cats

DCH Reimagined: Canine Edition

A few weeks ago I wrote a post, in which I reimagined a few Dallas Comedy House (DCH) troupes as iconic professional wrestlers. People seemed to enjoy it. Why? I have no idea. But, as a result of that overwhelming support for the piece, I’m bringing the idea back.   So, as requested by you the people, notably David Allison via Facebook comments, in this week’s reimagining we’ll uncover which type of dog some of our favorite DCH troupes embody. Brace yourselves for some pawsitively, doggone, puppy-filled improv fun.  

All right, let’s do this thing!

GoldenRetrieverThe ’95 Bulls = Golden Retriever

People-friendly and full of fun, the six gents that comprise The '95 Bulls are a lot like a precious litter of Golden Retriever pups. Waggy-tailed and easily excited, they're always down to play and offer unwavering support for each other's ideas. Not opposed to chasing tennis balls, these guys are silly and always bring high energy to each performance. To top it off, with a basketball reference as a troupe name, it's only fitting that these guys are represented by the dog that played the beloved Air Bud. Slam dunks for The '95 Bulls. Slam dunks for Golden Retrievers.

corgiSummer Girls = Corgi

If there’s a dog you’d want to hang out on the beach and get drunk with, hands down it’d be a Corgi. And,  if there’s a DCH troupe that you’d also want to have the same drunken, summer experience with, then you can bet your sweet ass it’d be Summer Girls. Like Corgis, they too have cute butts and big smiles. Summer Girls are tenacious and loveable and look cool AF in a boss Hawaiian shirt (see pic for equal Corgi proof). Fiesty and cut, Corgis be down to party and Summer Girls be down to ‘prov.

ShihTzuPrimary Colours = Shih Tzu

Primary Colours is the Shih Tzu of DCH. Before you start shitting on the Shih Tzu, let me just say that these cuddly guys are some the silliest and weirdest dogs around. Their faces alone are enough to make you want to laugh. And, the faces that make up Primary Colours all make me laugh loads with their bold stage choices and willingness to get weird together. Shih Tzus appear to be the cute puppy-spawn of an Ewok and a Mogwai, making them trustworthy and friendly and downright nuts if fed after midnight! It is believed that the same description can be applied to Primary Colours.   

Boston TerrierSamurai Drunk = Boston Terrier

Boston Terriers have two settings: “dapper as f***” and “off the wall insanity.” Coincidentally, Samurai Drunk also shares those modes of operation. If you want high energy, fast pacing, lots of side support, and seemingly zero chill, then Samurai Drunk is the troupe for you. Like the Boston Terrier, the gentlemen of Samurai Drunk are frisky, intelligent, and generally overall entertaining. Fun fact, the Boston Terrier was Helen Keller’s dog of choice. So in my mind, Samurai Drunk would be Helen Keller’s troupe of choice, too.

Caucasian ShepherdPavlov’s Dogs = Caucasian Shepherd Dog

Caucasian Shepherd Dog are also known as “The-Biggest-Freakin-Dog-To-Ever-Exist-Ever-Actually-That’s-Not-A-Dog-That’s-A-Bear-Disguised-As-A-Dog.” Let’s just say, Caucasian Shepherd Dogs are some big-ass dogs. These Russian pups are probs the same canines that the real Pavolv rang his bell for and prayed that they wouldn’t eat his face off after depriving them of food during his classical conditioning experiments. Pavlov’s Dogs are also the big dogs at DCH, comprised of several improv OGs. Just as the Caucasian Shepherd Dog displays natural dominance and leadership, Pavolv’s Dogs have been leading the DCH pack since 1998. Though mighty in size, these Dogs are ultimately a bunch of fun, gentle giants.

catClover = Cat

Not even a dog. It’s a cat. Have you seen a Clover show? For those that may not be familiar, Clover is a group of former Ewing-ites and now one of the newest troupes at DCH. These guys are also the embodiment of everything kitty and cat-like. Like cats, Clover is made up of 10 percent fluffy cuteness, 20 percent distraction by shiny objects or string, 30 percent playful energy, and 40 percent too cool to give a what. You do you, Clover. You guys are purrrfection.

Feel free to post your suggestions for other DCH troupe reimagining in the comments below!

Lauren Levine is currently a Level 5 improv and Sketch 2 student at DCH. When she is not trying to come up with witty things for this blog, she is a freelance writer and editor, an amateur photographer, a Zumba-enthusiast, a dog lover, and an 80s movie nerd. In addition, she enjoys all things Muppet-related, the smell after a rainstorm, and people with soft hands.

My Cat Has Goals (And Other Arguments Against Speciesism

by Sarah Mowery Since the dawn of time (since 200,000 years ago, rather), mankind has had the distinct advantage of being comfortably situated at the top of the food chain. We’ve gazed down at all the other animals, with their tails and their webbed feet and their adorable lack of fine motor skills and chortled, Dr. Pepper spraying triumphantly from our noses.

For thousands upon thousands of years, humans have proudly held the upper hand. Why? Because we can talk to and understand one another? Because we have opposable thumbs? Because we invented indoor plumbing?

Ah, the wonders of evolution.

Well, I took Biology in the 9th grade, and I’m here to tell you that 1. opposable thumbs are not that cool, I mean realistically I could easily type this whole thing and button my pants and stuff without them, come on, and 2. all animals are is humans who are different.

Not to get all PC on you, but thinking you’re any better than any other animal is speciesist and just plain wrong. Yeah, I’m talking to you, fellow mammals. In fact, calling them “animals” at all is pretty derogatory when you think about it. I prefer the term “People, Too.”

The truth is, there’s a lot we can learn from other People, Toos. Scout, the Feline American with whom I share my apartment, for example, is the most goal-oriented Person I’ve ever met. How many times have you, presumably a member of the aforementioned “Human” species and therefore obviously a huge bigot, crouched down behind the bathroom door to play with a rubber band when it somehow moves under the door crack beyond your reach, and thought, “Meh, there goes that toy. Guess I’ll go do something with my thumbs now.” Probably a million times!

Not Scout. Scout doesn’t give up. Scout has goals. Scout is going to roll around on her back behind that bathroom door, twisting and turning until she finds the angle that will allow her to slip her paw under the crack and grab the rubber band, huzzah! Could she have just walked around the door to the other side and easily gotten the rubber band there? Sure. But what fun would that be? Where’s the challenge?! Scout doesn’t take shortcuts! She stays focused and puts in the time and hard work required to achieve her goals. If Scout were Ferris Bueller, she would have run home on the damn sidewalk instead of cutting through those poor folks’ house or those random sunbathing ladies’ yard. This is also because she is not a falsely idolized miscreant, but I digress.

Unlike most “humans,” Scout likes to exercise during her free time. Here she is doing pull-ups.

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all behaved a little more like those “animals” we so love to look down on? Everyone can make small, simple changes, to help the cause! Like napping more, or feeding your young by spitting chewed-up food into their mouths.

In conclusion, people are people. But People, Too, are people, too, and you “people” would do well to remember that.

Sarah Mowery is a level 3 student at the DCH training center and she interns for the DCH blog. Fine more of Sarah's comedy stylings HERE. 

 

 

 

What We're Loving: Hacks!

Each Friday, DCH performers, teachers, and students offer their recommendations for what to watch, read, see, hear, or experience. This week David Allison turns hack, Amanda Hahn gets her hair hacked, Jonda Robinson might hack up a hairball, and Ryan Callahan learns some lesson from a LA hack. tina-fey3At this point, it's hack for a person who loves comedy to discuss the greatness of Tina Fey and Rachel Dratch. Ugh, we get it nerds, they're funny gals, under appreciated, could have been rocket scientists and once saved Earth by winking at an asteroid. It's quite common for each of them to be lauded with affection, especially from schlubs that like to do make 'em ups on stage for strangers. But this week has been especially kind for fanboys/fangirls of Dratch and Fey as their old Second City/UCB show has found it's way online. The quality of the footage is TERRIBLE. It honestly looks as if the uploader took a Beta copy of their baby steps, converted the footage to VHS, recorded the Dratch & Fey show over it, washed the tape in the dishwasher, hung it out to dry in the Death Valley sun and then decided to upload it to YouTube. Seriously, that's what happened. Even though it's not quite in HD, the quality of the comedy shines through.

Here's a link to the whole thing.

The show begins with dueling one woman shows, one with the intention of educating an audience to women's history and the other with the intention of educating an audience to women's anatomy. From there, Dratch and Fey delve into a really well put together combination of sketch, audience interaction, and monologues. Though the show only ran from 1999-2000, the complete package feels incredibly refined and tight. There's never much downtime and the whole set ebbs and flows so naturally that it's obvious why this sketch show is thought of in the pantheon of all time greats. Hell, the whole thing helped to inspire 30 Rock, so that alone makes it worth watching. The other part that really stands out to me is just how good Rachel Dratch is. That's not to say Tina Fey isn't great, but she's a movie star gosh darn it, we get to see her in stuff all the time. The aggressive innocence with with Dratch plays makes every one of her characters likable and will leave you convinced as to how underrated she is. And then you can finally join us in the chorus of people clamoring for more Dratch & Fey. -David Allison

tumblr_n9jvg93aIB1thkqcyo1_1280I don’t want to seem divisive or political with what I’m about to say, but I need to get it out there: I am a fan of cats. Many times I have said that if reincarnation is a thing, please, make me a cat so I can take naps for days. I recognize that not everyone is a fan of felines, though, such as my friend who believes that they are evil and the only thing keeping them from taking over the world is their lack of opposable thumbs. If she’s right, and they someday do rise up, I like to think I’ve given enough belly rubs that they’ll show some mercy on me.

All of that is to say that when cats are involved in something, it usually catches my attention. And this week that was the case when I stumbled upon the Tumblr “Confused Cats Against Feminism.” Now, when I first heard that women were against feminism and had their own Tumblr dedicated to the cause, I wasn’t really interested. Frankly it sounded boring to me, and I like getting to vote and stuff, so I was like “nah.” But then when cats got in on the party, I was like “yes, please!” There’s one with sage advice about who and what to trust. One who is against both vacuums and the women who wield them. One who believes in equal oppression of all humans. And one who just wants his belly rubbed, dangit.

You should check them out so you can enjoy their cuteness, be more informed about this cat cause, and also so, in the event that they do overpower humans and take over the world, you’ll be in their good graces. Also, if you have an anti-feminist cat in your life, get him or her in on this movement! - Jonda Robinson

1382258215Exciting news, everyone: I got a haircut this week. No, I’m not so vain as to write about how much I love my haircut. I’m here to write about the woman who cut it because I fell in platonic love with her. What I thought would be a normal conversation as she cut my hair turned into a fascinating talk with a fascinating woman named Alexis Lu, AKA Queen Lex Lu. It’s possible that you’ve heard of her already because she has her feet dipped into a million things around Dallas and Texas. She’s a hair stylist, make up artist, photographer, stylist, wig maker, rapper, actor, and a warm, funny person in general.

I warned her that I would stalk her all over the internet, but I did not tell her that I would be writing about her on a public blog. It’s okay though because it’s illegal to get mad at someone for writing about you if it’s nice things, right? …Right?? Right! Good, because I only have rave reviews for Lex Lu. I liked her so much that my new goal is to find reasons to hire her for various things. Do I need my makeup done before the next time go to a coffee shop to write in a corner by myself? No. Do I need to hire entertainment to rap for me while I get dressed for work in the morning? No. But I want to anyway, because not only does she do great work, she’s so pleasant to be around. Plus she has a song called ‘CAN’T FEEL MY FACE’ which makes me giggle because that’s a little too relatable.

I’ll end my post with week with another call to action: Hire this woman. She’s excellent. And just more proof that talking to strangers is the best possible way to spend your day. -Amanda Hahn

03Last weekend, my girlfriend and I watched Collateral, the 2004 crime thriller starring Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx, directed by Michael Mann (Heat, Thief). I lived in LA when Collateral came out and I always thought that the film did the best job of capturing the way LA looks at night. It turns out, that was director Michael Mann's intention. He shot the film in DV, and even had the taxi cab that Foxx's character drives painted a particular shade, to capture the golden hues of Los Angeles streetlights.

I did not remember how much the film was about the nature of improvisation, not just on a thematic or performance level, but in the nature of its structure. The film has the structure of a great long form improv show; diverse elements and characters eventually come together, scenes mirror each other, there are call backs, and everything from the beginning is brought back at the end and tied together.

There are so many parallel scenes in the movie that play off each other - the twin cab rides of Jada Pinkett-Smith and Tom Cruise, the visit to the jazz club vs the visit to the night club, the two run ins with the patrol cops, the two visits to the first informant's apartment. Throughout the film, the same locations and characters are visited and revisited, but each time the suspense is heightened, new information is added. Old scenes take on new meanings. Like a great improv show, the movie does not endlessly invent new things; it takes what it has and escalates and escalates until the everything reaches a fever pitch.

The movie even has a scene of actual improvisation. Foxx's meek cap driver must impersonate Cruise's cold-blooded hit man, and acquire a hit list from a cartel heavy (Javier Bardem) at a night club. Foxx does not know what he's walking into or what to say. His only choice is to "Yes, And" the hell out of everything and hope that he's committed enough to his character to pull it off. That scene is one of the best in a movie full of great scenes, and rewards an engaged audience with its call backs and in-jokes.

I always thought Collateral was a brilliant crime movie, another example of Michael Mann's mastery of the genre. I had no idea it was also a brilliant improv show. - Ryan Callahan

What We're Loving: .Gif Stories, Street Music, Heart-Breaking Car Rides, French Crime Novels

Each Friday, DCH performers, teachers, and students offer their recommendations for what to watch, read, see, hear, or experience. This week David Allison travels the information superhighway, Amanda Hahn pines for Europe, Jonda Robinson dances in her car, and Ryan Callahan revisits a description of violence.  imagesYou guys and gals should check out the popular world wide website named http://www.reddit.com.  If you’re unfamiliar with it, please start here.

Reddit is comprised of many popular subreddits (Communities) that normal, well adjusted people would enjoy.  There are also less popular subreddits that cater to internet weirdos that believe sitting on balloons to be sex.  One of the pages that falls somewhere in the middle is r/behindthegifs. And this week that page is, let’s all say it at the same time, WHAT I’M LOVIN’ [Insert raucous cheering].

.Gifs are tiny moving pictures that look grainy and normally involve a dog (This is the world champion).  Part of the appeal of a good .gif is that there is no context.  A funny video is chopped down to like four seconds, sound is eliminated, and it never stops.  r/behindthegifs takes the best abrupt clips and adds an absurd backstory.

You should check out the entire subreddit, but here are some of my favorites that I’ve discovered so far.

There are a trillion great ones, so please check out the subreddit and comment with your favorites.  Let’s create a community of people appreciating this internet community! - David Allison

800_370I love street musicians. I love walking through a park and hearing an acoustic guitar in the distance. On the rare occasion I take public transportation, I love waiting at the stop with a sultry singer banging out a rendition of Summertime. It’s something I rarely hear in Dallas. I hadn’t noticed the lack of street music here until I recently traveled to a popular world continent named Europe. If you’re unfamiliar with it, start here.

Almost every time I stepped out of anywhere to go from point A to point B, I would bump into one or more people performing. Performances ranged from one man and a guitar to a band of young drummers. They’re not always the most talented people, but it’s heartwarming to watch someone do something that they love to do. The only times I can think of that I have thought to myself, “I wish I loved anything as much as that person loves doing what they’re doing” have been when watching someone sing or play an instrument. Street musicians allow me to get up-close and really watch them love what they’re doing. I put some of the musicians I enjoyed watching the most in a playlist that I watch whenever I miss eating gelato and people watching on the steps of an old cathedral.

But this doesn’t have to be something that I miss! Or that any of us miss! So this week, I am putting out a call to action. Musicians of Dallas: Take to the streets! Find a park, find a bench, find a tunnel, an alleyway, a corner, a roof – wherever! Play for us. Please. Play a little soundtrack for our lives. Let us watch you do what you love. We’ll love you even more for it. - Amanda Hahn

17JasonIsbell37This summer has found me spending a good amount of time in my car, traveling here and there. My favorite thing to do while driving is put on some good music, sing along at the top of my lungs, and, when the song calls for it, do just enough car dancing to make other drivers wish they were having as much fun. Lately I’ve had a variety of artists riding shotgun, from Loretta Lynn telling me that I’m not woman enough to take her man (she’s right; I’m not) to Vampire Weekend asking who really cares about an Oxford comma (I do, guys! Use it!). One artist who I keep returning to, though, is Jason Isbell and his album Southeastern. With today’s music, it’s usually hard for me to find an album that I enjoy from beginning to end, but Isbell’s stands out because it’s consistently good. It’s got an Americana/Country sound to it, and it showcases his ability as a songwriter. My hands-down favorite song on the album is “Elephant.” I highly recommend you give it a listen, but I’m also giving you a warning: It’s heavy, it’s haunting, and it’s a heart-breakingly beautiful ride. “Traveling Alone,” “Cover Me Up,” and “Different Days” are some of my favorites as well, and “Super 8” is a fun, upbeat track. Overall, Isbell’s weighty lyrics and stories have been just the break I needed from the sugary summer anthems that radio stations have on heavy rotation.

Next time you’re roadtripping or just stuck in traffic, I highly recommend you crank up whatever your current jam is, sing it like you mean it, and car dance like no one is watching. But trust me, other drivers will be watching--and they’ll be wishing they were half as cool as you. - Jonda Robinson

productimage-picture-the-mad-and-the-bad-376As I've mentioned once or twice, I'm a big fan of crime novels.  This week I dove into the works of French crime novelist Jean-Patrick Manchette.  I was introduced to Manchette thanks to the New York Review Books Classic series. His first solo crime novel, The Mad and the Bad was the July selection for the NYRB Classics subscription series. The novel tells the tale of a immoral industrialist, the mentally unstable woman he hires to babysit his nephew, and the professional hit man  he hires to murder them both. I devoured the novel in two sittings. Not the most impressive feat; the book runs about 150 pages.

After reading The Mad and the Bad, I tore through two other Manchette books: Fatale, the story of a cold-blooded  blackmailer and murderess who grows tired of her lifestyle, and The Prone Gunman, about a CIA hit man and his disastrous attempt to return Gatsby-like to his hometown and reclaim his long lost love. Like The Mad and the Bad, both novels are short and well worth your time.

I consider Manchette a kindred spirit with American crime master Jim Thompson (The Killer Inside Me, The Grifters). Both write with  a lean, straightforward style that perfectly captures the pitch black comedy of their borderline absurd situations. Manchette's characters are broken people doing bad things, unable and unwilling to stop themselves. Like all great noir, his characters are on a one way journey to the abyss, and they have a sense of humor about their fate.

Manchette's terse, propulsive style creates some of the finest action sequences I have ever read. There is one particularly impressive sequence in The Mad and the Bad. A confrontation in a department store leads to some impromptu arson leads to a bloody shootout in the street. I found myself rereading the passage over and over again.

Reading those Manchette books had me so jazzed, so in love with the possibilities of the crime novel. It is my favorite genre, by far. After finishing those books, I found myself stuck on what to read next. Ultimately I settled on tackling an author I have long neglected, Raymond Chandler. You can expect to read more about him next week. - Ryan Callahan

I love my cat. Most of the time...

By: Sarah Mowery I moved into my first single apartment this year, and it got real lonely, real fast. I needed a companion, so I decided to go to PetSmart and inquire about the adoption process.

The adorable 1 ½-year-old orange tabby I eventually came home with started off as a perpetually scared little sweetheart. She would hide under my bed for hours at a time, and when she would finally come out, it was in a panicked, spastic sprint to the next area of shelter. It was sad. But don’t worry. She’s developed into quite the sassy little warrior or, as I like to call her, the man of the house.

SCOUTI named her Scout after the main character in Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird. Because she’s a tomboy. And because she’s constantly questioning the discriminatory conventions of modern day society.

It was great having another living thing around to hang out with, but I quickly began to notice more and more little annoying habits of hers. At night while I was working on my laptop, the cat would curl up on the chair next to me and take the cutest little kitten nap you’ve ever seen. “Aw, she’s pooped from playing all day!” I thought.

Oh, how naïve I was.

As soon as I decided to go to bed, it was as if she’d been hiding 40mg of Adderall in her paw the whole time. She’d freak out and run all over the room, bouncing from desk to floor to dresser to under the bed to basically wherever I really didn’t want her to be until I would get fed up and lock her out of my bedroom. At which point she would meow in such a deafening and pathetic way that I would have no choice but to let her back in. And the cycle continued. I’ve never felt so close to understanding what it’s like to be a new parent. The toxic combination of guilt and near hatred is alarmingly real.

There are so many ups and downs to owning a pet, which I’m sure any pet owner would attest to. I love never coming home to an empty space and having a pal to play with when I’m bored. But do I ever wish she understood the concept of a time-out? Yeaaah..

I don’t want it to seem like I don’t love my little furball – I do! Almost 85% of the time! – but, like, I also would like to be able to sit back and relax, knowing that all my picture frames will stay where I put them. I would like to be able to open my refrigerator without having to wrestle Scout to the floor to prevent her from clawing her way into my milk carton. Sometimes, for her own sanity, a girl’s got to be able to walk into her apartment after a long day and find all of her books and shoes completely intact and not partially eaten. But instead, as a cat owner, one must often relinquish control and learn to live with the trace amounts of feline feces that cover the apartment in the form of litter box tracks.

The picture in this article is one of Scout after she had somehow managed to get her head stuck in an empty wine glass I had left on the counter before going out one night. I remember being so worried when I came back and didn’t see my cat waiting for me at the door as she always does. When I found her on my bed completely helpless like that, with a look on her face like, “Mom... What have I done? Help?”, I no longer cared about all the coffee mugs she’d broken or the vomit stains on my rug. I was just happy to have this adorable kitten to come home to. And relieved that she hadn’t suffocated due to my own carelessness.

I don’t know what it says about me that I stopped to take a picture before helping her out, but what can I say? I’m a Millennial. Aren’t we just the worst?

Sarah Mowery is a level 2 student at DCH and a blog intern for the DCH website. She's also a student at SMU. You can read more of her comedy stylings HERE. 

My Eighth Move in Five Years - A Live Blog

photo 1Last week, thanks to the sudden availability of a larger apartment in our complex, and the need for more space, my girlfriend and I moved. It was my eighth move in the past five years. What better way to celebrate such an historic occasion that with a live blog? 11:00AM Receive keys for new apartment, which is two buildings and about three hundred yards away from our old apartment. Both the old and the new apartments are on the third floor. There are no elevators in the complex. Nor are there escalators, despite my many strongly-worded letters sent to the management company.

11:05AM When it comes to the matter of carrying things, I am strongly opposed. Lifting, holding, pushing, and bearing are also activities I consider unacceptable. But my desire to have my own study in our new apartment outweighs my hatred of physical labor. I begin to pack.

12:15PM Continue packing. As long-time readers of this column know, I own many books, a large percentage of which I have never read. Books are heavy and take up a lot of space. They also collect a lot of dust and serve as constant reminders of every begun-but-as-yet-uncompleted task in my life. Yay! Books!

12:43PM The packing and the piles of empty boxes cause our cat to freak out. She runs around the apartment like a crazy person, jumping high and low, running into doors and hiding under chairs. Her behavior is understandable. The last time she left the apartment, we took her to a team of strangers who sedated her and removed her reproductive organs. I would behave the same way.

IMG-20140219-002421:45PM Carry my first load of books down to my car. I managed to clear one shelf of one bookcase. There are 9 bookcases in my apartment. This will be a long day.

2:21PM Heart pounding, breath short, hair and back wet with sweat, I lay on the floor of our new apartment. The boxes I used to transport the books were rather large and thus heavy and thus I feel like I am going to die. I'll just lay her for a while and wait until my heart stops hurting. Yay. Books.

3:00PM Movers arrive to carry the larger pieces. I notice their silent judgment of me. I can sense that these men consider me weak for my anti-carrying bias. They no doubt size me up and consider me no threat in the coming apocalypse.

3:30PM While moving the couch, the movers joke about the lack of an elevator. In an attempt at camaraderie, I mention the shocking lack of escalators. There is a long, awkward silence. I pretend to answer an email to avoid further eye contact.

6:00PM The movers finish their work. All the big pieces - couch, bed, dresser, desk, entertainment centers, TVs - are in place. The movers are tired and sweaty, but they have a glow about them, a kind of serenity. I wonder if a life of vigorous physical activity, say a job in construction, would fulfill me on a spiritual level and ease my constant anxiety. More importantly, will I lose all the shows on my DVR when I move the cable box? I still haven't watched last week's True Detective.

photo 26:05PM With the movers gone, all that remains are small personal items, like books, and Blu-rays, and clothes, and books, and knick-knacks, and books, and toiletries, and books, and our cat, who has barricaded herself in the bedroom and refuses to leave. She appears to have mastered some rudimentary ranged-weapons, which will make extraction difficult.

7:07PM More boxes of books down the stairs, up the stairs, over and over again. I feel like Sisyphus, except that I've done nothing to deserve this. And I'm pretty sure Sisyphus had an escalator. Yeah. Books. 9:45PM All the books and bookcases have been moved and set up in the my new office. All that's left to move are clothes, most of which belong to my girlfriend. I don't understand why I should have to help her with those. It's not like she helped me with my books.

9:47PM My girlfriend reminds me that she helped me with my books.

11:00PM Finished. Everything is in the new apartment, including our cat. Her strategic entrenchment was no match for a mouse with a rattle in it.

IMG-20140219-0024011:10PM The new place is still a mess. Boxes and frames and clothes and lamps everywhere. But my study is in good shape. All the books are on the shelves. The desk sits before an large window. And I was able to use the remaining space in the room to construct a small talk show set. My first guest will be my cat. The first topic: The Alarming Anti-Escalator Conspiracy in Dallas. I'd say it will be a good show, but my cat is a difficult interview.

Ryan Callahan is a current DCH student who loves crime novels and pro wrestling. He’s the brains behind WikiFakeAnswers.