cats with weapons

My Eighth Move in Five Years - A Live Blog

photo 1Last week, thanks to the sudden availability of a larger apartment in our complex, and the need for more space, my girlfriend and I moved. It was my eighth move in the past five years. What better way to celebrate such an historic occasion that with a live blog? 11:00AM Receive keys for new apartment, which is two buildings and about three hundred yards away from our old apartment. Both the old and the new apartments are on the third floor. There are no elevators in the complex. Nor are there escalators, despite my many strongly-worded letters sent to the management company.

11:05AM When it comes to the matter of carrying things, I am strongly opposed. Lifting, holding, pushing, and bearing are also activities I consider unacceptable. But my desire to have my own study in our new apartment outweighs my hatred of physical labor. I begin to pack.

12:15PM Continue packing. As long-time readers of this column know, I own many books, a large percentage of which I have never read. Books are heavy and take up a lot of space. They also collect a lot of dust and serve as constant reminders of every begun-but-as-yet-uncompleted task in my life. Yay! Books!

12:43PM The packing and the piles of empty boxes cause our cat to freak out. She runs around the apartment like a crazy person, jumping high and low, running into doors and hiding under chairs. Her behavior is understandable. The last time she left the apartment, we took her to a team of strangers who sedated her and removed her reproductive organs. I would behave the same way.

IMG-20140219-002421:45PM Carry my first load of books down to my car. I managed to clear one shelf of one bookcase. There are 9 bookcases in my apartment. This will be a long day.

2:21PM Heart pounding, breath short, hair and back wet with sweat, I lay on the floor of our new apartment. The boxes I used to transport the books were rather large and thus heavy and thus I feel like I am going to die. I'll just lay her for a while and wait until my heart stops hurting. Yay. Books.

3:00PM Movers arrive to carry the larger pieces. I notice their silent judgment of me. I can sense that these men consider me weak for my anti-carrying bias. They no doubt size me up and consider me no threat in the coming apocalypse.

3:30PM While moving the couch, the movers joke about the lack of an elevator. In an attempt at camaraderie, I mention the shocking lack of escalators. There is a long, awkward silence. I pretend to answer an email to avoid further eye contact.

6:00PM The movers finish their work. All the big pieces - couch, bed, dresser, desk, entertainment centers, TVs - are in place. The movers are tired and sweaty, but they have a glow about them, a kind of serenity. I wonder if a life of vigorous physical activity, say a job in construction, would fulfill me on a spiritual level and ease my constant anxiety. More importantly, will I lose all the shows on my DVR when I move the cable box? I still haven't watched last week's True Detective.

photo 26:05PM With the movers gone, all that remains are small personal items, like books, and Blu-rays, and clothes, and books, and knick-knacks, and books, and toiletries, and books, and our cat, who has barricaded herself in the bedroom and refuses to leave. She appears to have mastered some rudimentary ranged-weapons, which will make extraction difficult.

7:07PM More boxes of books down the stairs, up the stairs, over and over again. I feel like Sisyphus, except that I've done nothing to deserve this. And I'm pretty sure Sisyphus had an escalator. Yeah. Books. 9:45PM All the books and bookcases have been moved and set up in the my new office. All that's left to move are clothes, most of which belong to my girlfriend. I don't understand why I should have to help her with those. It's not like she helped me with my books.

9:47PM My girlfriend reminds me that she helped me with my books.

11:00PM Finished. Everything is in the new apartment, including our cat. Her strategic entrenchment was no match for a mouse with a rattle in it.

IMG-20140219-0024011:10PM The new place is still a mess. Boxes and frames and clothes and lamps everywhere. But my study is in good shape. All the books are on the shelves. The desk sits before an large window. And I was able to use the remaining space in the room to construct a small talk show set. My first guest will be my cat. The first topic: The Alarming Anti-Escalator Conspiracy in Dallas. I'd say it will be a good show, but my cat is a difficult interview.

Ryan Callahan is a current DCH student who loves crime novels and pro wrestling. He’s the brains behind WikiFakeAnswers.