sarah mowery

The Do's and Don'ts of Surviving a Dallas Summer

Hello, old friend. So glad you could join us for the next four months. Ahh, summer. The season of all seasons, when down jackets and pumpkin spice lattes are replaced with bikinis and grapefruit beers. It’s a time for fun in the sun (who had to put his shades on because 1. He is cool, and 2. It’s so bright out!), enjoying the great outdoors, and maybe BBQin’ up some wieners on the patio with your buds!

[cue sound of record scratching]

Unless you live in Dallas.

In Dallas, summer has a bit of a different meaning. Summer here means highs of 108° and nighttime lows of 109°. Summer means wearing flip flops on your way to work and changing when you get there because if you have to exert the energy necessary to walk on concrete in heels, you will have sweat through your blazer by the time you get to your car. It means not looking at another weather report until October because you both already know what it’s going to say, and really don’t wanna know.

Sure, it may get hotter in other parts of the world nearer the Equator, but with all the asphalt, droughts, and lack of trees to provide us with the fresh, breathable oxygen we so crave during these desperate times, Dallas in the summer requires a level of dedication and chutzpah unique to those of us who brave living here through it.

So, in the midst of our battle against North Texas Warming, here’s my list of Dos and Don’ts for surviving summer in the Big D.

DO wear clothes that are light and breathable so you can enjoy the (relative to Antarctica) nice weather without getting too hot.

DON’T:

Dreams do come true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DO put on plenty of sunscreen before heading outside. An SPF of 30 or higher will help fight those pesky UV rays. Get outta here, UV rays!

DON’T make the all too common mistake of over-coverage. Remember that, for the most part, if you keep your mouth closed, your tongue won’t get sunburned. Same goes for the underneath of your eyelids and both ear drums.

DO cool off with a swim at the beach or pool!

DON’T get in the water with any bleeding open wounds, raw steaks, cupcakes, or DVD copies of the 2011 film Soul Surfer. These days, you never know where a shark might show up or what he might be hungry for.

DO make sure to drink lots of water so you don’t get dehydrated!

DON’T forget that vodka is not water. I know, it’s hard.

DO use an insect repellent with the active ingredient DEET to prevent diseases that will really lower your value when it comes to attracting potential mates.

DON’T forget that insect repellent with the active ingredient DEET is not vodka.

DO send someone to fix the air conditioning unit in my apartment.

DON’T think that was a joke. Please come soon.

Sarah Mowery is a level 3 improv student at the DCH Training Center. She lives alone with her cat and in her free time enjoys applying dialogue from The Lord of the Rings to real life situations. You can check out more of her comedy stylings HERE. 

Why Are We Not More Concerned About This Airplane?

by Sarah Mowery It's been over 5 weeks  since an enormous airplane with 239 people on board disappeared from the sky with absolutely no explanation and --HOLY EFF, WHAT???!?! Why is no one talking about this??

I’m going to jump straight to the point here: I am scared. Mostly for myself and for Justin Bieber because Lord knows we would not be equipped to handle a disaster, but also for everyone else.

It seems like this whole situation is being glossed over. Like everyone sort of wants to get the update on Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, but, in the end, it’s just another 660,000-pound aircraft vanishing into the Indian Ocean. Like, sad, but nothing we can do about it, so let’s just call it Season 7 of Lost and move on. Like, you would never say it out loud, but it doesn’t really affect you, so, yes, you hope they find that black box, but you’d also rather just pretend that plane never existed.

But a closer look may reveal that it DOES affect us. Because planes don’t just fall out of the sky. If they did, people would still be travelling across oceans on giant, or should I say “Titanic,” cruise ships, and we all know what happens when those things get involved *cough ICEBERGS cough*. Since you can in fact fly directly through sky icebergs, I have yet to come up with any feasible explanation as to how this 242-foot flying object managed to get lost without a trace in a world where my little sister was able to use Google Street View to bust me for having a boy over to my house. It doesn’t.

You see, my concern is that people are so accustomed to hearing bad news that they just write it off when something big like this happens. “Hey did you hear about that school shooting?” “Yes, it’s awful! I can’t believe it. What did you bring for lunch?” “Tuna salad. Oh my god I just got a USA Today news update about the total number of child soldiers that have been killed in Africa since 2000, how sad is that?” “So sad. When will people learn to be compassionate? Wait does your news update say anything about Kim and Kanye’s wedding being postponed?”

I’m not saying that people don’t care about what’s going on in the world. I do believe we care, but we can’t let ourselves care too much, or else we would implode from the sheer amount of things there are to worry about.

But this plane’s disappearance is different than genocide or sexism or animal cruelty because we can’t identify the problem. Show me a nation of women being paid less than their male counterparts and I can tell you exactly what the problem is and lay out some possible solutions. Show me a beat-up puppy, and it won’t be long before we’ve got the ASPCA on the way. We don’t have to be up in arms all the time about problems we can identify, because we know that someone out there, if not us, is working on a solution.

Malaysia Airlines 370? Yeah, I can’t really identify what’s going on there, but here’s what I’ve come up with so far: Outcome = 239 people almost certainly dead at the bottom of the ocean. Problem that caused outcome = Engine failure? Pilot asleep?  Isolated thunder storms? Bermuda triangle type deal? Kraken? All of the above? I do not know! And since the problem can’t be identified, meaning that no one can be getting very far coming up with a solution, we all have an extremely valid reason to be freaking the eff out, starting 5 weeks ago and ending whenever anyone can explain to us what REALLY happened to that plane.

I am afraid that the lack of riots on the streets and total pandemonium surrounding this issue must mean that Big Brother’s plot to control our minds and make us void of all human reason and emotion is nearing completion. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t one of the signs of the Apocalypse planes falling out of the sky and everyone just kind of going on with their day? Yeah, that’s definitely in there, right next to the one about Courtney Love leading the charge on solving the world’s greatest mysteries.

So start doomsday prepping, and go see an improv show. Lord knows we’ll all need the laughs when the world as we know it comes to an end.

Sarah Mowery is a Level 2 Improv student at DCH and a blogging intern for DCH media. You can also read more of her comedy stylings HERE.