sports

Tom Brady Joins Uber’s Fleet

Tom Brady Uber January 13, 2017 (Foxboro, MA) – Vegas odds makers have made the New England Patriots historic favorites this weekend as they take on the Houston Texans in the NFL Divisional Playoff round. The mood at Patriots practice has been loose since the team has known of its far inferior opponent. In fact, some key members of the team and coaching staff have not shown up for practice all week, including franchise quarterback Tom Brady. With his team comfortable favorites this weekend, Brady has had some extra time on his hand, something he is unfamiliar with this time of year.

After a hat selection of popular social media sites (much like that of a high school football recruit), Brady started his laidback week off by joining Instagram. After just one post on the popular photo-sharing website, though, he soon became bored with the constant barrage of notifications and likes he was receiving, clearly not knowing how to turn off this feature.

Regardless of his lack of social media prowess, Brady was still looking for ways to fill his week when he stumbled across an Uber commercial while watching The View one morning. With his wife (supermodel Gisele Bündchen) nagging him to get out of the house because he had become a “real drag,” Brady thought the ride-sharing service offered a perfect solution.

Brady swiftly passed Uber’s background screening and was driving later that afternoon. Like an elementary school child, he was admittedly filled with excitement and nerves. Brady’s learn-as-you-go attitude helped him catch on to what Uber’s service was all about. He even adorably called each of his first customer’s rides “routes,” an homage to his now self-described “hobby” of playing football. At the end of each ride, he’d bid farewell to his shocked customers with a celebratory high five and hand them a water bottle to spike on the sidewalk.

As a meticulous planner, Brady knew how to become the best in the Uber game.

Tom Brady Hats“Of course I want to be the best Uber driver out there,” Brady said confidently, with his loveable butt-chin, boyish charm, upper body of a Greek God, and flawless hair. “I’ve done my scouting and every top Uber drive offers room temperature water bottles and loose hard candies and mints. I’ve added a trick play or two to my rides that make me stand out. Sometimes, for a little extra flare, I hand out these party beads. When customers ask, ‘But Tom why the beads?’ I smile and say, ‘Gronk isn’t the only one who likes to party.’”

Pairing affordable rides with a future Hall-of-Famer driving would lead many to think that would be a customer’s dream voyage. Instead, many customers have rated Brady low for Uber’s high standards. His current rating is 4.6/5.0, a telltale sign of an Uber driver still perfecting the craft of driving strangers around in their car. In the last few days, more than a dozen passengers have given Brady a poor review. Twenty-nine-year-old Dylan O’Connor says he did not get the championship ride he was expecting.

“Yeah, at first we were pumped. Freakin’ Tahm [Tom] Brady, you know? Then as the ride went along he got lost a few times and was having trouble with the directions," O'Connor said. "When the GPS would reroute, he stahted [started] apologizing to it and saying, ‘Sorry Mr. Belichik.’ The end of the ride was the weirdest thing. He gave us these beads and asked if he could hang out with us. It was really bizah [bizarre]. He seemed kind of sad.”

When hearing O’Connor’s comments about his recent Uber ride Brady stated, “Well I am still getting used to the area so I may take a wrong turn every now and then.” Then he added, “He really said that about the beads?”

Brady isn’t the only celebrity driving for Uber currently. The likes of Frankie Muniz, Donnie Wahlberg, and Steven Seagal are all current Uber drivers when they can get a family member to lend them a car. However, A-list celebrities like Brady are usually a little different, says Uber CEO Travis Kalanick.

“Oh sure, we have mega-celebrities and athletes drive for us all the time, but they’re usually raising money for a charity or rewarding fans," Kalanick said. "When Tom came to us, we knew something was a little different with him, though. We were initially hesitant about clearing his background check, because, well he seems genuinely lonely.”

These days Brady is receiving a lot more canceled ride requests that have left him feeling deflated. The sight of him sitting in his parked car near Boston’s busy Logan Airport constantly refreshing his Uber app is a sobering one, painting the picture that "Tom Terrific" may not be so at everything. Perhaps if you’re looking for a ride in the Boston area, you better call a Lyft.

Anthony Salerno was born and raised in Buffalo, New York. He is a current DCH student and has performed with German Harmony and Titanium. When he’s not working at his day job, he’s rocking out to Led Zeppelin and rooting on his hapless Buffalo Bills.

Proof the Election Was Rigged: The Cubs Take the White House

Cubs Win Less than a week after winning the World Series for the first time in 108 years, the Chicago Cubs have stunned America again. In fact, the entire planet is flabbergasted after the Cubs won the U.S. presidential election Tuesday night through an unprecedented write-in campaign, winning precisely 270 electoral college votes.

“No one’s more shocked than we are,” admitted manager Joe Maddon. “No one saw this coming. Everyone wants to know about our transition plan. Heck, we haven’t even gotten to Disney World yet. Half of us are still hung over. We’re hoping they’ll give us a few extra days. Maybe lucky 108?”

Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred was summoned before a Congressional panel early Wednesday morning on suspicion of a connection between Major League Baseball and the Kremlin.

“Given Putin’s love of hockey, wouldn’t the Kremlin have preferred the Pittsburgh Penguins?” fumed an indignant Manfred. “They took the Stanley Cup this year.”

A CIA insider revealed that director John Brennan’s pointing his finger at Cuba. “Now that Cuba and the U.S. have re-opened relations, we suspect that Cuba may be angling for a MLB team. Given Trump’s threat to close that relationship down again, it makes sense,” said the anonymous source.

Secretary of State John Kerry declined to comment when asked about a midnight tweet from Cuba’s President Raúl Castro.

@PresCastroCuba Nuestros amigos al norte. No fue nada. De nada. (“Our friends in the north. It was nothing. You’re welcome.”)

Meanwhile, the Cubs have been sequestered in a locker room huddle exploring what a Cubs presidency might look like. Ben Zobrist, World Series MVP, was named the Cub’s presidential spokesperson.

“This is the first time in U.S. history where the oval office will be held by a team of people,” Zobrist said. “We’re still trying to work out the details. Do we have a rotation like we did in high school, when you got to be 'Principal for the Day?' Who gets the Lincoln Bedroom? Can we make hot dogs and apple pie the official foods for state dinners?”

Players are tweeting ideas for the first 100 days and monitoring fan feedback. First baseman Anthony Rizzo took on the issue of the national anthem.

“The most popular idea is to replace the 'Star Spangled Banner.’ Chicago’s favoring ‘We are the Champions’ but we’re not sure we can get the rights," Rizzo said. "So, we’re looking at ‘Take Me Out to the Ball Game.’ Either way, it’s so much easier to sing.”

Jason Heyward, the “J-Hey Kid,” who’s been active in the Real Men Wear Pink campaign against breast cancer, suggested repainting the White House.

“I think it’s time for the White House to represent the changing color of America," Heyward said. "Half of America’s ladies, so I thought why not pink? This isn’t polling well. Maybe ecru or taupe?”

Pitcher Jon Lester reportedly wants a jumbotron and bleachers in the Rose Garden.

“Listen, we weren’t running for president," Lester said. "We’re sort of like a third party candidate team. So, we want to be transparent to the people we now represent. We want to live stream from the oval office and the situation room. America’s bleacher bums can sit there and watch, heckle us, push us to be the best presidents we can be. This is polling in the 79 percent range with a four-point margin of error.”

When asked how he felt about his team being elected president, owner Thomas Ricketts said, “I hope Harry Caray’s watching this from heaven. I can just hear him saying, ‘Holy cow, it’s a bee-yoo-tiful day! We all know the moon isn't made out of blue cheese...but if it was made out of bbq spare ribs would you eat it? Would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs?’”

Gretchen Martens is a DCH graduate who performs with Been There Done That and Brain Wearing Pants. When she’s not working as an executive coach and trainer, she writes satire for her blog www.PotatoNationUSA.com. She is finishing her first play, sanINity, an irreverent look at losing a loved one to mental illness.

(Image: Boing Boing)

Tips for Enjoying Shows During College Football Season

College Football If you are like me, Saturdays during the fall can be stressful. Always checking scores to see if Montana can pull off that upset over Eastern Washington (Go Griz!). But, life must go on. Improv and sketch shows must be attended and enjoyed. How do you enjoy both? Here are my tips for enjoying shows during college football season.

The scores can wait, turn off your phone.

At the beginning of each show, a host will tell you this. Pay attention to it. Anyway, most shows are late on Saturday nights and the only games on are West Coast games and who cares about Stanford. Am I right!?!?

Only follow teams that win.

This is the best way to take the pressure off. If a team is favored by 20 or more points, just follow that game and cheer for the goliath. Nobody likes a David. It’s a fact.

Don’t wear a college shirt to a show on Saturday.

This is just asking for it. People always assume that since you are wearing a Purdue shirt that you can spit out details of that game in 2000 when Drew Brees threw for 250 yards and beat Youngstown State. So, if you don’t have that memory etched in your brain, don’t wear the shirt.

Watch NFL football instead.

The NFL plays a majority of games on Sunday and DCH has shows five days a week with Sunday not being one of them. So, watch the NFL and by the next time you go to DCH, you will have forgotten what happened five days earlier. Or is that just me?

Have a great season everyone. I will be watching to see if my Hawks can win it all. More importantly, I will be waiting to see if Tabooze will finally use my word. Dammit guys.  

Ghost Watcher is a regular, DCH audience member.

Sports Fan Fiction: Tyler Seguin Makes an Enemy

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The playoff hopes of the Dallas Stars took a huge hit when Tyler Seguin was taken out on a dirty play by Dmitry Kulikov. Seguin, the leading scorer on the team, will likely be out for three-to-six weeks. Many have pointed to the play as another example of unnecessary violence in hockey, but Sports Fan Fiction has the real background on how the injury came about.

First Period (10:33 left until intermission) The first interaction between our players happened as the Panthers and Stars encircled for an early game face off. Before the puck is dropped, Kulikov skates in to check on Tyler Seguin.

“Hey Tyler, Tyler! Great season so far this year man, you’re killing it!”

“Oh, thanks,” said a focused Seguin.

“Hey man, have you played Evolve yet? It’s such a great game, you should check it out, we could play online!” The Panthers defenseman could barely hold his excitement.

“I don’t really have time for that stuff right now, trying to get into the playoffs.”

“No, I totally get it man, I understand. But hey, if like you had a bunch of free time you’d totally play with me, right?”

“Yeah, sure,” Seguin said, as he attempted to just diffuse the situation.

“Cool man, see ya around! Get it? Around the rink, which is round, haha, we’re having fun. See ya!” Dmitry Kulikov skated off elated that he had made a new friend.

Second Period (4:18 left until intermission) “FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.”

Play is whistled dead as the Stars are called for yet another offsides. As Tyler Seguin skated back to position, his new friend checked in.

“Tyler! Hey man, remember me from earlier, it’s Dmitry! I said the thing about seeing you around, and so here we are. Oh man, this is fun, do you like hockey?”

“I guess,” Seguin responded.

“Yeah me too, me too, I think it’s the best. What would you say is like your favorite hockey thing? For me it’s the puck, because I just get it and I’m all, look at this, I’m gonna score a goal!”

By now Seguin could barely contain his laughter. “Dmitry, you’ve gotta chill out man.”

“I’ve been told that before, haha! Good thing I play hockey! GET IT? Chill because it’s cold, hey will you be the best man at my wedding? I don’t have a girlfriend yet or anything, so it won’t be soon! I just wanna make sure you’re gonna be there to back me up.”

“Dude, I barely know you,” Seguin said, finally starting to feel creeped out.

“Oh yeah, yeah, you’re right, no need to rush things. Hey good luck today, I hope your team wins! Don’t tell the Panthers I said anything! LOL!”

Warmups before the Third Period Tyler Seguin and teammate Jamie Benn relaxed on the bench before the final period was to begin.

“Oh man Jamie, you’re not going to believe this. You know that Kulikov kid on Florida?”

“Yeah, the one with the stupid teeth?”

“Haha, that’s the one! Turns out that loser wants to be my friend. He’s all talking to me during the game about how he wants to hang out and stuff, it’s kind of sad. I couldn’t believe how dumb he…”

Tyler Seguin looked up to see that standing right in front of the Stars bench was none other than Dmitry Kulikov.

“I guess you’re right about me, only a dumb idiot would want to be friends with you,” Kulikov said before quickly turning around to hide his tears.

Third Period (Time of injury) “OWWWWW!”

Tyler Seguin fell to the ice in pain after being taken out by Dmitry Kulikov. Before the trainers arrived at his side, Seguin locked eyes with his attacker.

“Hey man, enjoy the break! GET IT?!?”

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter@MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update@AlternateUpdate. He performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week you can see him improvise on Friday, February 20, with The Rift at 9 p.m. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.

Sports Fan Fiction: Chandler Parsons Finally Makes His Mother Proud

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The Dallas Mavericks are headed into the All-Star break in the thick of the Western Conference playoff race. Best of all, the club has finally started to see some great production out of Chandler Parsons, who is averaging 17 points per game in February. Some believe his improved performance is a sign that he’s finally getting acclimated with the system, but Sports Fan Fiction believe it’s because Parsons is excited about his acting debut on Tuesday's episode of the Disney show Kirby Buckets. Here is a fake account of Chandler’s real day on the set.

Disney Studios, 3:03 a.m.

“Excuse me, but I’ve just got one more question,” Chandler Parsons said as he walked off camera and ruined yet another take.

The director couldn’t believe that his guest star was still asking questions. Eleven hours in, and the cameras hadn't even started rolling. “Chandler, I told ya, it’s all going to end up fine if you just trust us and--”

“It’s just that I’m unsure of what my posture should look like. Should I slump my shoulders because my character has gone through a long day? Should my back be rigid because of my strong upbringing? And I know I keep asking this question, but what religion am I?”

“Look, you’re just playing yourself here. All that needs to happen in this scene is for Kirby to walk up to you, ask for an autograph, and then you reply, 'Sure thing kid, who do I make it out to?' Two sentences, that’s all I’m looking for.”

“OK, I got ya, I got ya. But like is this a parallel universe wherein I’m also an actor or?” Parsons just wouldn’t give up.

“No!  You’re Chandler Parsons, the basketball player!”

“Are you sure that I’m the best man for the part?”

“I’m starting to doubt it...” The director took a brief moment to compose himself. “Chandler, we only have time to try this a couple of times before I have to let the crew go home. Can we please give this a shot?”

Chandler Parsons reached into his pocket and pulled out the key chain that his mother gave him so many years ago. On the front were the Greek masks of comedy/tragedy, while the back simply read, “ABA: Always Be Acting.” Parsons squeezed the trinket tight and nodded his head to indicate that he was ready.

The Dallas Mavericks forward reached his mark and began to do some vocalized warm-ups. “Red leather, yellow leather, red leather--”

“QUIET ON THE SET,” the director shouted. “ACTION!”

The teenage boy that would someday become a former child star, ambled his way into the frame. “Oh boy, it’s Chandler Parsons! Can I have your autograph?”

“Haha, you got me. Speaking of getting people, don’t you think it’s weird that they never figured out who murdered JonBenet Ramsey? You want to help me solve the case?”

“CUT! Chandler, what on Earth are you doing?”

“Well you said I’m playing me and that murder case has been on my mind lately. Plus, I figured, if he said yes I could get a spin off!”

“Chandler, stick to the script please. Let’s move back to one, places people. And...ACTION!”

“Oh boy, it’s Chandler Parsons! Can I have your autograph?”

“My autograph, that’s worth nothing, but how about this watch. Check it out! My great-great-grandfather earned this watch in Hanoi. For five years, he had to keep it in his--”

“CUT!”

“Aw man, I was just getting into it, I was going to deliver the monologue from Pulp Fiction, I love that movie!”

“Two lines! That’s all I’m asking for!” The director couldn’t believe that he was still having this conversation.

“If I’m being honest, it kind of bothers me that I’m so much taller than the kid. Should I stand in the background so that forced perspective makes us look the same height?”

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? Just stop it! Why do you keep doing this? Too many basketballs to the head leave you concussed? I guess the dumb jock stereotype is true.”

Chandler Parsons was crushed, though he managed a meek “I’m...sorry” before breaking down into tears. Parsons wiped away the waterworks with his wristband and fixed his gaze on the director. “You just don’t know what it’s like. All of my life, my mom said that she wanted me to be an actor. Every birthday for as long as I can remember, I didn’t get clothes or music or gift cards, I got scripts. I tried to be an actor, I tried, I swear, but by middle school I was so much taller than everyone else that they wouldn’t cast me. My height forced me to give up the only dream my mother had for me. When I found out that you guys wanted me to be in an episode, I was ecstatic. I called my mom right away and for the first time in my life... she said... that she was proud of me. The first time! To know that I’m blowing my only chance to earn her love is just hard to take.” Parsons reached into his pocket, grabbed the Always be Acting key chain and chucked it across the room in a fit of rage.

The director saddled up next to Parsons as he finally realized how much this meant to the player. “Chandler, I had no idea, I’m so sorry. Working on set can be really stressful, and I’m sorry if I took it out on you. If you’d like, can we give this one more try? I really want you to be in this episode.”

Through an avalanche of sniffled sobbing, Parsons took in a deep breath; he was ready to make his mother proud.

“OK, places everyone,” said the now hopeful director.

“Wait, one second!” Chandler ran over to the wall and picked up the pieces of the Always be Acting key chain before running back to his mark.

“For mom,” he whispered to himself.

“ACTION!”

The hopeful teenage entered the scene and said, “Oh boy, it’s Chandler Parsons! Can I have your autograph?”

“Sure thing kid, who do I make it out to?”

“CUT! We got it.” The director collapsed into his chair.

Finally, after graduating from college, making tens of millions of dollars and attaining a whole bunch of Twitter followers, Chandler Parsons did the one thing he had never been able to do before; make his mother proud.

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter@MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update@AlternateUpdate. He performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week you can see him improvise on Friday, February 13, with David & Terry at 10:30 p.m. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.

Sports Fan Fiction: Win One for the Jerry Jones-er

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The NFL season came to an end as the New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks squared off in the Super Bowl. Everyone involved in the league dreams of being part of the big game, and this year Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones took his destiny into his own hands. Jones worked his way into the locker room of the now champs at halftime to deliver a speech that many are calling “the best fake speech ever.” Here is the exclusive transcript of his words.

 

Locker Room, University of Phoenix Stadium, Half-time

Jerry Jones

Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about...(puts down his whiskey)...bitching about that tackle you missed, some son-of-a-bitch that brought you down in the backfield, somebody that ran the wrong route, some broad you're trying to screw and so forth. Let's talk about something important. (To coach) Are they all here?

Coach

All but one, but Mr. Jones you have no affiliation with this team...

Jerry Jones

Well I’m going anyway--Well, boys...I haven't a thing to say. Played a great game...all of you. Great game. I guess we just can't expect to win ‘em all. I'm going to tell you something I've kept to myself for years--None of you ever knew Dez Bryant, it was long before your time. But you know what a tradition he is in the NFL…

Coach

Dez is still in the league...

Jerry Jones

And the last thing he said to me--"Jerry," he said--"sometimes, when the team is up against it--and the breaks are beating the Cowboys--tell them to go out there with all they got and win just one for the man who puts his forearms into an X...

(Jerry’s eyes become misty and his voice is unsteady as he finishes.)

Coach

Wait, that whole sentence is his nickname?

Jerry Jones

I don't know where I'll be then, Jerry," he said, "but I'll know about it--and I'll be happy."

(There is a hushed stillness/incredible confusion as Jerry Jones and the crowd of men look at each other.)

Jerry Jones

Dez and the rest of the Cowboys couldn’t be here this week. So let’s go win one for the Gipper. I mean Dez.

Coach

Mr. Jones, are you done? You have nothing to do with our team, and we’ve really got to get back to preparing for the second half.

Jerry Jones

Sorry boys, I’ve just had a really hard time after they overturned that Dez catch. I went on a bender that will allow every child the Johnnie Walker family ever has to go to college. It’s bad. I felt like we actually had a chance to be in this locker room and play for a championship, so to watch another team play has not been easy. I’m sorry if I disrupted your preparations, I’ll show myself out.

(Jones moves towards the door.)

But could y’all do me a favor? Could you go out there and play as hard and as fast and as good as you can? Don’t do it for yourselves or for the coaches, do it for the people like me that couldn’t be here. Get out there and win this football game!

PLAYER # 12

Well, what are we waiting for?

(With a single roar, the players rushed through the doorway on their way to victory.)

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter@MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update@AlternateUpdate. He performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.