January 13, 2017 (Foxboro, MA) – Vegas odds makers have made the New England Patriots historic favorites this weekend as they take on the Houston Texans in the NFL Divisional Playoff round. The mood at Patriots practice has been loose since the team has known of its far inferior opponent. In fact, some key members of the team and coaching staff have not shown up for practice all week, including franchise quarterback Tom Brady. With his team comfortable favorites this weekend, Brady has had some extra time on his hand, something he is unfamiliar with this time of year.
After a hat selection of popular social media sites (much like that of a high school football recruit), Brady started his laidback week off by joining Instagram. After just one post on the popular photo-sharing website, though, he soon became bored with the constant barrage of notifications and likes he was receiving, clearly not knowing how to turn off this feature.
Regardless of his lack of social media prowess, Brady was still looking for ways to fill his week when he stumbled across an Uber commercial while watching The View one morning. With his wife (supermodel Gisele Bündchen) nagging him to get out of the house because he had become a “real drag,” Brady thought the ride-sharing service offered a perfect solution.
Brady swiftly passed Uber’s background screening and was driving later that afternoon. Like an elementary school child, he was admittedly filled with excitement and nerves. Brady’s learn-as-you-go attitude helped him catch on to what Uber’s service was all about. He even adorably called each of his first customer’s rides “routes,” an homage to his now self-described “hobby” of playing football. At the end of each ride, he’d bid farewell to his shocked customers with a celebratory high five and hand them a water bottle to spike on the sidewalk.
As a meticulous planner, Brady knew how to become the best in the Uber game.
“Of course I want to be the best Uber driver out there,” Brady said confidently, with his loveable butt-chin, boyish charm, upper body of a Greek God, and flawless hair. “I’ve done my scouting and every top Uber drive offers room temperature water bottles and loose hard candies and mints. I’ve added a trick play or two to my rides that make me stand out. Sometimes, for a little extra flare, I hand out these party beads. When customers ask, ‘But Tom why the beads?’ I smile and say, ‘Gronk isn’t the only one who likes to party.’”
Pairing affordable rides with a future Hall-of-Famer driving would lead many to think that would be a customer’s dream voyage. Instead, many customers have rated Brady low for Uber’s high standards. His current rating is 4.6/5.0, a telltale sign of an Uber driver still perfecting the craft of driving strangers around in their car. In the last few days, more than a dozen passengers have given Brady a poor review. Twenty-nine-year-old Dylan O’Connor says he did not get the championship ride he was expecting.
“Yeah, at first we were pumped. Freakin’ Tahm [Tom] Brady, you know? Then as the ride went along he got lost a few times and was having trouble with the directions," O'Connor said. "When the GPS would reroute, he stahted [started] apologizing to it and saying, ‘Sorry Mr. Belichik.’ The end of the ride was the weirdest thing. He gave us these beads and asked if he could hang out with us. It was really bizah [bizarre]. He seemed kind of sad.”
When hearing O’Connor’s comments about his recent Uber ride Brady stated, “Well I am still getting used to the area so I may take a wrong turn every now and then.” Then he added, “He really said that about the beads?”
Brady isn’t the only celebrity driving for Uber currently. The likes of Frankie Muniz, Donnie Wahlberg, and Steven Seagal are all current Uber drivers when they can get a family member to lend them a car. However, A-list celebrities like Brady are usually a little different, says Uber CEO Travis Kalanick.
“Oh sure, we have mega-celebrities and athletes drive for us all the time, but they’re usually raising money for a charity or rewarding fans," Kalanick said. "When Tom came to us, we knew something was a little different with him, though. We were initially hesitant about clearing his background check, because, well he seems genuinely lonely.”
These days Brady is receiving a lot more canceled ride requests that have left him feeling deflated. The sight of him sitting in his parked car near Boston’s busy Logan Airport constantly refreshing his Uber app is a sobering one, painting the picture that "Tom Terrific" may not be so at everything. Perhaps if you’re looking for a ride in the Boston area, you better call a Lyft.
Anthony Salerno was born and raised in Buffalo, New York. He is a current DCH student and has performed with German Harmony and Titanium. When he’s not working at his day job, he’s rocking out to Led Zeppelin and rooting on his hapless Buffalo Bills.