Fidel Castro, Dead at 90. Fidel Castro drank his last Cuba Libre last night. Before his smoldering cigar could be pried from his clammy fingertips, brother Raúl requested that Obama appoint Ricardo Montalbán U.S. ambassador to help Cuba revive its tourism industry. Breaking the news that big bad hombre Ricardo died in 2009, John Kerry offered to send Hervé Villechaize. Samsung donated its entire stock of unsold Galaxy Note 7s as a goodwill gesture.
Kim Kardashian Boycotts France. Following a recent midnight robbery at her Paris apartment, Kim Kardashian vowed to boycott France and become a mixed martial arts fighter. Husband Kanye West confirmed that they have hired MMA star George St. Pierre to train Kim in Brazilian Jiu-jitsu. Given that French is spoken in St. Pierre’s hometown of Montreal, the two will train at an undisclosed location in Banff. The UFC released a brief statement acknowledging that this would give new meaning to the phrase “getting a Brazilian.”
War of the Billionaires. Spanish businessman Amancio Ortega beat Warren Buffet for the No. 2 slot of the richest man in the world. He warned Bill Gates to watch his back. Carlos Slim, who fell to No. 4, offered to build a wall around Seattle.
Elon Musk Offered to Buy All Galaxy Note 7s. Following the explosion of his Falcon 9 rocket last month, Elon Musk dismissed conspiracy theories and pointed a finger at the formation of solid oxygen on the carbon composite overwrapped pressure vessel. Think solid air and a bag of charcoal wrapped in tin foil in a pressure cooker. That gave Musk the idea to buy all Galaxy Note 7s and use their defective lithium ion battery packs as jet fuel. Samsung rescinded their donation to Cuba. Bob Dylan nominated Elon Musk for 2017 Nobel Prizes in physics, chemistry, and economics.
Julian Assange Suspended. WikiLeaks reported that the government of Ecuador, bowing to pressure from the United States, cut off Julian Assange’s Internet. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry denied allegations, claiming he was too busy dealing with the situation in that city that Gary Johnson keeps not talking about. Julian Assange released a five-character tweet shortly before midnight: #Wifi.
Dr. Sanjay Gupta Went Low. With ratings falling, Dr. Gupta offered neurosurgeon Dr. James Goodrich $423,000 to re-attached the McDonald conjoined twins. Dr. Goodrich responded that when Sanjay goes low, he goes high. Dr. Goodrich is vacationing in Boulder.
Jimmy Hoffa Found? Using muography, a cutting-edge imaging technique, researchers revealed hidden cavities inside the Great Pyramid at Giza. Curious about the contents of the cavities, David Copperfield offered to make himself disappear and reappear inside the pyramid, take some selfies, then disappear and reappear outside the pyramid. The mob deflected questions from the Egyptian Embassy.
Global Penguin Society Sues Disney. Disney recently revealed that they were releasing four new Winnie the Pooh stories based on the seasons. In "The Best Bear in the World," Pooh gets a new friend, a penguin. The Global Penguin Society filed a lawsuit with the UNESCO claiming cultural misappropriation of indigenous penguin culture. Disney declined to comment directly, instead issuing a $52 billon revenue statement.
Saudi Arabia Goes Solar. With oil prices falling worldwide, King Salman announced that Saudi Arabia would no longer produce oil. They are partnering with China and going solar. The times, they are a changin’.
Bob Dylan Broke His Silence on His Nobel Prize for Literature. In an exclusive interview with CNN, Dylan said, “I thought I was forever young but my time as a rolling stone is over. The times they are a changin’ and I’m knockin’ on heaven’s door. So, I said to myself, ‘Bob, don’t think twice, it’s all right.’” When asked if he would attend the December 10 Nobel Prize ceremony in Oslo, Dylan declined to answer, telling CNN that he would keep the committee in suspense.
Gretchen Martens is a DCH graduate who performs with Been There Done That and Brain Wearing Pants. When she’s not working as an executive coach and trainer, she writes satire for her blog www.PotatoNationUSA.com. She is finishing her first play, sanINity, an irreverent look at losing a loved one to mental illness.
(Image: Alex Wong, Getty Images/Oren Aks, Thrillist)