Humor

"Tips On How To Be a Good Liar, as Told By a Bad Liar" by Meili Chao

"Tips On How To Be a Good Liar, as Told By a Bad Liar" by Meili Chao

#1: Lie as often as possible. Exhibit A: When your coworker asks “How are you?” You reply, “Greaaatttt. GREAT! I woke up not tired at all and couldn’t wait to get here so you could ask me that original question Samantha. How are you? Because I really care.” 

#2: Experts* (see below notes) say distract. Distract. Distract! DISTRACT! When you think you’re about to be caught in a lie, this is an opportune moment to take notice of how oddly angular that corner looks, show some leg, or talk about how clingy Samantha is. She triflin’. 

"Trend Alert: Ulcer Naming Parties!" by Emily Ball

These days, it seems like you can’t open up Facebook or Instagram without being flooded with the announcement that more of your friends are becoming parents and throwing parties to celebrate. From gender reveals to full-fledged baby showers, preparing to parent seems like a non-stop whirlwind of excitement and cake. While parenthood may not be for you right now – or ever – you can get in on the fun by throwing a party to pick a name for the stress ulcer you’re currently carrying inside you!

Giving your ulcer a name will help you feel more connected to it and help your friends and family adjust to seeing you in this new role, as the proud carrier of a gastric ulcer. Although it may seem fun at the time, I don’t recommend naming your ulcer after someone you hate, as just thinking about the person may create added stress and grow your little bundle of pain even larger. Personally, I recommend the “Military Title/Cutesy Nonsense Name” combo, i.e. “Lieutenant Limlam." But remember, only YOU can decide the best name for your ulcer.

Ulcer naming parties are mainly being held at home, but are gaining a surprising foothold in the office environment, as well. Bonus points to you if your coworkers are battling their own stress ulcers while celebrating yours! Church potlucks and family dinners are another wonderful time to add an ulcer naming celebration into the mix. Build on the joy at the table by reminding everyone there that neither you nor “Captain Clunkers” will be able to partake in the majority of the food sitting in front of you.

If you are expecting an ulcer, congratulations! We here at Dallas Comedy House wish you all the best.

Emily Ball is an improviser, bartender, and stand-up comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. In her free time, she likes to moderate arguments between her cat, Debbie, and her dog, Tucker.

(Image: Rory McHarg/Creative Commons)

“Real Life Situations in Which You Should Improvise: Yes, and When” by Meili Chao

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Ordering from the stressed-out Hooters waitress five minutes before close. 

Being handed the mic at your ex-boyfriend’s screamo concert.

Raiding your evil mother-in-law’s closet. Call this character work. Maroon lipstick goes great with a black-and-callous soul.

Cooking for couples “allergic” to gluten.

Every time you’re under anesthesia, be sure to bring the mother-in-law.

At 4 p.m. on a Friday at the DPS. 

Asked if there’s a doctor on the plane.

Consequently, when diagnosing the patient with a new and rare disease.

Then, when a real doctor comes along, proclaiming that somehow the turbulence made you guys switch bodies. WHOAH! Freaky Flight-day!!

You’re a mechanic listing every part you learned in “car school” as being an immediate life-threatening hazard despite it being a routine oil change and you just witnessing the romper fashionista of a customer shove an indecent amount of granola bars and free waters into a suitcase so you now they AIN’T. GON. FIX. NU-TING.

Bringing a suitcase to an oil change because you ran out of groceries.

Your improv troupe asks your vocation, and you throw your cloak over your face and slink away to the cubbies.

Editing a best friend’s interaction with a hot guy at a bar. 

Tapping your friend out of their own wedding with said hot guy. 

Giving side support to their first kiss as a married couple despite all your advances.

Bitterly reserving a “table for one” on any day that people misconstrue to be related to the pairing of people in the context of something that should be celebrated. This situation is ideal for musical improv, see Celine Dion’s “All By Myself” and give them a show they’ll never forget. 

Announcing your troupes’ name (ALL of them) when entering your local Taco Bell, thrift store, or Dollar General, because improv pays. 

Taking the stand: Your 10-minute, one-man show should begin with, “Yeah, I did it.”

Picking your life mate at a Blink 182 Concert. On second thought, this scene was better without you. Go ahead and make that a quick walk on/off. Just make sure you take the rug from underneath the scene players and label it something lame…like a Blink 182 Concert. 

Meili Chao is an improviser, stand-up comedian, and musician who lives in Denton with her cat, Miles Voldemort. She spends her spare time wearing off-the-shoulder tops in coffee shops "waiting to be discovered."

(Image: FreePhotos.cc)

"How to Tell a Friend That She’s Mad at You" by Emily Ball

Uh oh! Your friend posted a vague message that could have meant anything, but you KNOW that it means she’s upset with you. Now the two of you are in a fight, and the worst part of it is, she doesn’t even know! Here are a few tips to let your friend know that she’s mad at you:

  1. Give her a taste of her own medicine. Post a status referencing her post that starts out with “I guess some people think”, but don’t tag her in it or draw her attention to it in any way. She’ll see your post and realize that her status actually WAS about you, not about a rude stranger in the grocery store!

  2. Fight fire with fire. Message her directly and say “If you were upset with me, you should have just come to me about it.” This will open her eyes to the fact that she actually is upset about your choices, and definitely not about an illness in the family.

  3. Bring up old arguments. Statements like, “So I guess you’re still not over the Arby’s incident,” will remind her that she has plenty of reasons to be angry with you already, so this newest argument is just adding fuel to a fire she didn’t even know she was burning!

  4. Tell all of your mutual friends. Just because she doesn’t know she’s mad at you doesn’t mean that everyone else shouldn’t! This is the time for screenshots. Get everyone on your side so that by the time she realizes she’s upset with you, your allies are already set.

  5. Hire a skywriter. Nothing says “You’re mad at me” quite like expensive cloud calligraphy that literally says “YOU’RE MAD AT ME”.

I hope these tips have been helpful and informative. Please feel free to tag a friend who’s upset with you – happy fighting!

Emily Ball is an improviser, bartender, and stand-up comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. In her free time, she likes to moderate arguments between her cat, Debbie, and her dog, Tucker.

(Photo: Reyner Media/Creative Commons)